I'm realizing now that I haven't been honest with myself. not even my writing is completely honest. I carefully share bits and pieces of my feelings, so disconnected that no one could ever string them together just right to know what I'm really thinking, to understand how I really feel.. to find out all my secrets. only I know the truth, and even though I've tried to forget it, it follows me. whenever I close my eyes, whenever I let my thoughts drift off on their own, whenever I dream, whenever I see an imitated version of love in front of my eyes.. everything.. the truth is there. I can't ignore it. I can't ignore you. I never could. I'll never feel the way you made me feel. I'll never love as much, I'll never hurt as much, I'll never need so much.
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an accident. a beautiful accident.. but an accident all the same. maybe too beautiful for this world, and so it wasn't.
once I said forever.. well I didn't even have to.. forever found me, and it took me. it still has me, tied down to a promise I can't keep. I'm locked to something that can never happen. I should have known that from that moment on, my life would never make sense. I feel like my fate became impossible. and all I can think about is how life is full of options.. thats how it progresses. but what happens when you cross paths with something that doesn't give you an option? how do you continue..
I know that time passes, but I think it's left without me. and soon there will be no tomorrow for this story.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
so maybe every night I still wait by the window
for your black wings to come flying in
I've never seen them, but I've imagined them a million times..
how they must look, attached to your small body; free
and maybe you lied, and maybe I believed you
I don't care about anything you say.. all I care about is the sound of your voice
because I need to feel, and need not to hear
so maybe I'll never stop.. against all odds, against all reality, against all everything..
you told me you were coming, and I'll wait right here until you do.
you challenge everything in this world that ever is and ever was
and ever will be. and, for me.. everything that couldn't be
you are too beautiful, too quiet, and too sane
I wonder if there will ever be a day that I don't look at you and feel the world stop
I simply gave you me, that's all
so there is nothing to let go of.. nothing to fix.. nothing to forget..
you have me. you just have me.